Where Did We Lose Heart?

Somewhere along the way we’ve lost heart. We’ve lost a part of who we are. Was it due to a series of blows against our heart, or was there one traumatic event that crippled the desire to be beautiful?

“There is something fierce in the heart of a woman. Simply insult her children, her man or her best friend and you’ll get a taste of it. A woman is a warrior too. But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way. Sometime before the sorrows of life did their best to kill it in us, most young women wanted to be a part of something grand, something important. Before doubt and accusation take hold, most little girls sense that they have a vital role to play; they want to believe there is something in them that is needed and needed desperately”. Exert from ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge.

There is a woman in my life that I love very much, and I would like to share her story. To keep her privacy I will call her Elizabeth.

Elizabeth grew up believing herself to be less than those around her. She felt that her hair wasn’t the right color, and it was too frizzy. She believed that she had too many freckles; she was too skinny, and too tall. She actually had everything it took by appearance to be a super model, but she couldn’t see it. Elizabeth believed her sister was prettier than her, more popular than her and more loved than her. She believed her sister got all the guys, and had all the right friends. Elizabeth’s sister on the other hand, had always felt a need to have all the right friends, to strive for popularity out of her own feelings of lack and insufficiency. Elizabeth’s sister was actually told by a family member that Elizabeth was the prettier of the two sisters, only Elizabeth was never able to see it. We have an enemy who is fighting against our hearts to keep us from being who he knows we can be. The enemy of Elizabeth’s heart of course set up events in her life to cause her to feel like she had no beauty to offer. There were guys that Elizabeth liked as a teenager, and some of these guys of course liked her sister, thus convincing Elizabeth that she was not as pretty, that she was the ugly duckling. One of these guys was a boy that a friend had set her up with and they had talked a few times on the phone, and seemed to get a long. They decided to meet in person, and her sister was there also. Well this boy was about two or three inches shorter than her, and he actually had the gall to call the next day and rather than ask for Elizabeth he asked for her sister, and told her that Elizabeth was too tall for him. The sister wanted nothing to do with him, but never the less what kind of message do you think that spoke to Elizabeth’s heart. Elizabeth seemed to give up trying to be beautiful, decided it was easier to be plain. It seemed to be more difficult to make an attempt to offer her beauty only to be told that she had no beauty to give.

This is the story of a young girl who was truly beautiful, but because she believed the messages that she was receiving, too tall, too thin, wrong color hair, too many freckles… Elizabeth gave up; she gave up attempting to portray beauty, because she felt she had none to offer. There is a beauty in Elizabeth that goes beyond her outward appearance, she loves to help others. If there is anyone in need she will be the first to arrive to help without having to be asked.

There are many of us who, like Elizabeth, have felt that if we offer our beauty, or our true self it will be rejected so we just hide behind our facades. We hide behind who we think others want us to be, or we simply hide away without offering any part of our selves at all. What if we decided to just push past the fear of rejection; push past our insecurities and insufficiencies? If we push past everything that holds us back and simply live from our hearts what would it be like? I believe that every woman who makes the decision to live from her heart disregarding all those inner voices of fear and insufficiency will be truly a woman of true beauty, living a life of freedom and joy. She will have so much more to offer to the world around her, her friends, family and co-workers. Living from the heart free of fear, holding back no part of who you are, now that, is true beauty.

Look at the words to Bethany Dillon’s song ‘Beautiful”, I believe this is the longing of every young girl’s heart. Unfortunately by the time we’ve reached adulthood many of us have shut out that longing till we believe it no longer exists, or we resent it and believe it to be foolishness, weakness or immaturity.

“I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful”
BETHANY DILLON, “BEAUTIFUL”

“Many of us have hardened our hearts to the desire to be beautiful. We too, have been hurt so deeply in this area that we no longer identify with, perhaps even resent, the longing. But it’s there, and it’s not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more-a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are.” –Captivating

I hope to stir up the desire that is in all of us to be the beauty of the story, to be captivating. If we can at least get back in touch with that desire it will be a beginning. Then we can move from there, and find ways to express the beauty that is in each one of us, the beauty that is on the inside and the outside as well. The beauty of the woman God created us to be.

What Makes A Woman Beautiful?

Is there really any hope of actually being that woman, that woman who feels free just to be herself, to love and be loved, giving of herself freely, and without shame, without the fear of being rejected?
I think it's true that many of us hold back who we truly are out of fear. We seldom laugh out loud publicly, because that would draw attention to ourselves, and of course that's embarrassing. There was a lady who used to attend my church, and I loved sitting near her. When the pastor would say something humorous she would just laugh out loud, there was no self-consciousness about it. She wasn't a distraction at all; she simply had a pure joyful laughter that can only come from feeling comfortable about who you are, and not holding back out of fear.
As women we fear being vulnerable, we don't want people to see our fears, our hurts, our weaknesses etc... We're afraid that if we offer our true selves it won't be wanted. I know for too long I have held back a very large part of me, and in the holding back I've lost a lot of who I am. I hide behind who I think people want me to be.
What is it that women think is expected by other women, is it poise, fashion, a slim figure, a quiet delicate laugh, just the right hair style, manicured nails, fresh pedicures, always strong, never weak, she can't be needy, and of course she must always be busy serving, right? Is there anything wrong with any of these things? I say absolutely not. I love it when I look good, sorry, but I do. I would love to be a size six or for my height maybe an eight. I would love to always have fresh manicures and pedicures, always have my hair done just right, and I truly do love serving others. But let's face it; we can't always have everything perfect. Some of us have difficult hair; some of us don't have the income, or the time to go have manicures and pedicures. Sometimes we're too busy with our own lives to be serving others. My point is there's nothing wrong with all of these things, the problem is when we feel demanded by internal and external pressures to be, or to do what we think is expected.
A woman is truly beautiful when she is free to just be who she is without pressure, without self consciousness. When she does her hair, make up and nails, when she dresses up simply because she feels good about herself and loves looking good, when she serves others out of love and not pressure.
I remember years ago I had gone to a large women’s event with my mother in-law and sister in-law. I spent a lot of extra time on my hair and makeup, and I really wanted to look classy. We got back to the hotel, I looked in the mirror, and I was a mess. My hair had fallen, my make up was gone, and my clothes were all crumpled. I complained to my sister in-law that every time I really wanted to look classy, it never worked, but I looked worse than usual. Her response to me was shocking. She said "Margie you are classy, quit trying to be classy, and just be who you are, because who you are is classy". That was a defining moment for me, it has always stayed with me, and a lot of who I am today is because of that. (Thank you Shell, I love you!)
Here's a little bit about myself, some of my fears, some of the things I hold back. Dancing, I have no rhythm (or at least I'm afraid I don't), and so while I would absolutely love to dance, I don't because I'm afraid I will look stupid. I did dance at my son's wedding however, and I was terrified. My (then future) daughter in-law asked me to get a song for the mother son dance, and I freaked out. All of a sudden I was so full of fear, because I was going to have to dance in front of all of my friends and family. I knew I was not going to allow fear and self consciousness to keep me from having this moment with my son, so I overcame fear and had a wonderful dance with my son. I saw the video, and I didn't even look stupid, and it was actually quite a beautiful moment, and I'm so thankful that I pushed passed the fear and had that dance.
I'm afraid to sing out loud, because I don't have a beautiful voice so I keep it to myself (accept at home, where I love to sing opera). I would absolutely love to just sing right out loud and not be self conscious about it. My daughter in-law is so precious she just sings right out loud without a care of what anyone else thinks. I think that in it’s self is beautiful.
I also hold back from expressing myself. I would actually love to talk and be as expressive as people were in earlier eras, when it was okay to express your emotions. When it was okay to tell people how you really feel, and to express the depth of those feelings. My Dearest Mary, I can't sleep at night, because I lie awake thinking about you.... What is so bad about really letting someone know how you feel, and how deeply you feel it? While I don't think I would use the term "dearest", I would love to let others know how I really feel, to express the depth of my emotions, but I don't because that would be unacceptable right?
What are the things of yourself that you hold back? Do you hold back your laugh, or your song? Do you hold back dancing? Do you hold back from giving a hug, because you’re afraid the other person won't want it? Do you hold back what you have to say because you're afraid it won't be received well? Do you hold back helping someone because you think it's unwanted? Do you have a gift (and I don't mean a package) that you're afraid to offer, because maybe it's not quite good enough?
I believe there are many of us who hold back a large part of what makes us who we are out of fear; fear of rejection, fear of failure, and I’m sure it could go on and on. I also believe that pushing past those fears and being who you were truly meant to be, and offering what you have to offer is a step in becoming that beautiful woman who has been buried under the surface of who, and what we think we should be.
There is no three step program to offer, or a magic trick to perform to be that beautiful woman. Becoming who we were truly meant to be; a woman to the core; a woman who is free to be beautiful, desirable, vulnerable, and delicate yet strong is a process. Follow along with me on this journey to discovering the beautiful woman you truly are.

Searching to be a woman truly alive.

Is there really such a woman that the fairy tales speak of, that woman locked in a tower, and she’s so beautiful, so captivating, so needed that there is someone who is willing to risk his life to search for her and fight to save her?

I have come to the conclusion that the more I try to be the woman I think I'm supposed to be, the further I get from that woman. I have come across some books that have helped me in my endeavor to be a woman who is truly alive, a woman who is truly passionate, a woman who is at her core, beautiful and essential to the world around her, a woman who is desirable, and a woman who is worth fighting for. I have found that the more I learn, the more I want to share what I’m learning with the women in my life, so I have decided to create a website for just that purpose.

This website is for every woman who is searching, searching to know if it really is possible to be that woman. To be that woman who is desirable, that woman who is loved, who is needed, who is fully alive, to be that woman who is passionate and sexy. Is it possible to be a Mom, to be a business woman, to be a politician, to be a wife, and not lose your self in the busyness of it all, that part of yourself that longs to be sexy, to be desired to be beautiful?